Movies based on video games are almost always horrible, so why do I keep wasting my time watching them? Last week I explored IPs that were turned into video games, so this week I figured I would swap that around and go with games turned into movies. These lists are almost always “Top 10” or “10 Best” but I don’t think I could find ten movies worthy of being on such a list. It also wouldn’t be near as fun as picking out the 10 worst. So this week I present to you the 10 worst movies based on a video game.
10 – Super Mario Brothers
- Game Publisher: Nintendo
- Movie Distributor: Buena Vista Distribution
- Time Better Spent: Clean out a porta-potty. There’s less crap in one of those than you’ll find in this movie.
Let’s get this party started with one of the best video games turned bad – Super Mario Bros. How could they take such a fantastic game and turn it into a pile of crap? The movie has Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) fighting dinosaurs with their plunger and wrench and using rocket boots to jump, all set in a futuristic dystopian city. Really? Yes, really.
9 – Street Fighter
- Game Publisher: Capcom
- Movie Distributor: Universal Pictures
- Time Better Spent: Let a friend kick you in the junk over and over. Or, for a less painful afternoon, watch JCVD at his “best” in Bloodsport.
You may have expected to see The Legend Of Chun Li on this list, but I blame the original for spawning the rest of the series. There are a bunch of the game characters in the movie and some even have a similar backstory to what they have in the games, but making that gel into an actual plot or a good movie isn’t in the cards. When Jean-Claude Van Dame is one of the best actors in a movie you know you are in for trouble. Please, please, please, don’t make any more fighting games into a movie.
8 – Resident Evil Extinction
- Game Publisher: Capcom
- Movie Distributor: Screen Gems
- Time Better Spent: Binge The Walking Dead, at least until it goes off the rails too.
Resident Evil was one of my favorite video game movies and I still don’t understand how we went from such a high place to this low point so quickly. What are we doing in the desert? Resident Evil belongs in Raccoon City. And how does Alice get all the good genetic enhancements without the mutation side effects? God, movie writers know how to piss me off.
7 – Hitman
- Game Publisher: EIDOS
- Movie Distributor: Cannon Pictures
- Time Better Spent: Watch Timothy Olyphant in the HBO series Deadwood.
Hitman is a perfect example of why studios continue to turn out video game movies. With a budget of just $24 million, execs were willing to take the risk they would hit gamer gold. Even though the movie was atrocious the risk paid off with the movie grossing almost $100 million. It’s our fault they keep making these movies. Hang your head in shame.
6 – BloodRayne
- Game Publisher: Majesco Entertainment
- Movie Distributor: Boll KG Productions
- Time Better Spent: Watch What They Do In The Shadows for a good vampire romp.
What happens when you take a shitty director, give him $25 million and a horrible script, and set him loose? BloodRayne of course. If that isn’t bad enough, they did it two more times with direct to video sequels. If you think the Twilight series was an affront to the vampire lifestyle, you ain’t seen nothing until you see BloodRayne.
5 – Need For Speed
- Game Publisher: Electronic Arts
- Movie Distributor: Disney
- Time Better Spent: Watch Bullit if you want a good movie with an awesome Mustang chase scene.
Poor Jesse Pinkman, what have you become? The trailer made the movie look so dramatic. It wasn’t. It’s really just a story about a boy who wants to win a race to prove he is better than a guy that screwed him over. At least there are some really nice cars to look at.
4 – Postal
- Game Publisher: Ripcord Games
- Movie Distributor: Vivendi Entertainment
- Time Better Spent: Listen to a TED Talk about social justice
When it comes to Uwe Boll movies, Postal was one of his best. That isn’t saying a whole lot. Just like the game, Postal did its best to be offensive and shocking. It ended up being one of those movies where you actually get over just how bad it is quickly and then spend the rest of the movie-making fun of it in an effort to have an enjoyable time.
3 – In The Name Of The King: A Dungeon Siege Tale
- Game Publisher: Microsoft Studios
- Movie Distributor: 20th Century Fox
- Time Better Spent: Watch Lock, Stock, And Two Smoking Barrels for a good Statham movie
I am pretty sure any high school drama class could give a better performance than the actors in this gem. It’s fortunate for the video game industry that non-gamers probably just thought this was a regular movie trying to capitalize off of Jason Statham’s popularity in the early 2000s.
2 – Alone in the Dark
- Game Publisher: Infogrames
- Distributor: Lions Gate Films
- Time Better Spent: Sit alone in the dark.
Tara Reid was the best you could do? There aren’t even any sharks to offset her performance in this bomb. Alone in the Dark has a 1% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Video games never do well on the site, but 1% is a rare achievement. The biggest question I have is who was brave enough to actually be that 1%?
1 – House Of The Dead
- Game Publisher: Sega
- Movie Distributor: Artisan Entertainment
- Time Better Spent: Stare at the end of a light gun while pulling the trigger over and over.
I am pretty sure any high school drama class has better actors than House of the Dead. Another Uwe Boll movie (how did this guy direct more than one movie?) that tries to capture the spirit of a video game but fails miserably. Horrible 360 degree Hero Shots and super slow-motion gun battles are poorly done but don’t compare to the vile act of inserting clips from the arcade game into the movie. It was almost like watching Twitch. Yeah, right.